Today, I cried-cried for my healing. I vow to myself to love myself and allow myself to let go of all the anger that endures within. I vow to myself to empower the Queens around me that are enduring the many things that we do as women. I vow to myself to not allow myself to hate another person that comes and does not love themselves but tries to love me. I vow to myself to be the change I wish to see.
I know the Lord is sending me on my way to better days, because their is so much turmoil I could drown in it.
My mind and heart are not always a happy home, but whoever said that even though a home is stable it is happy?
Today, I learned to cry, and allow myself to feel another emotion outside of anger. I learned to be honest with myself and someone else and say that I do not have all the answers and that I do not feel better because I cried. These may be baby steps to some, but you have to know my story to understand why this was like completing the 12 step program to me. I am addicted to pretending that everything is okay. I am addicted to moving from certain things without allowing myself to process what all has happened and being okay with it. I am addicted to being a woman that many men are afraid of, even when we decide to become a part of each others lives. I weigh 107 lbs. and stand 5 feet and 2 inches from the ground and have more strengthen than the tallest and strongest body builder out there. My power is not my own, though; it has always been God that allowed me to be who I am meant to be because I love him no matter how I feel about myself or my life, at the time being.
I made myself okay with just being okay, today. I use to wish for nothing but happiness, but that is the very thing I have had all these years-a temporary emotion. Now, I am working on my joy, my joy that was not meant to be stolen, by those who did not even know I was giving it to them. I refused-years ago-to be responsible for MY joy; I wanted my mom, dad, sister, and everyone that came in and out to create and nurture it, but I am the only one capable of that since it’s within and with God.
United, I have come with the universe to feel, taste, smell, hear, and see all of me, the pieces that lay waiting to be picked up. The best thing is they are all there, that is a blessing, many people cannot say the same thing. Another blessing is that I do not have to pick up the pieces all at once. The most appreciated blessing is that God holds all of me together when I decide not to.
I believe in healing and I know that this gracious, merciful, renewing, refreshing, enjoyable, irritating, confusing, and hard part of my life will be a blessing for someone else.
“After you have healed, help heal someone else.”
Until I have healed, I can only speak from what I feel and know. I pray that my words do you all justice and help you make a decision to heal, too.
So, today, I forgive myself for not accepting and processing my past. I understand what has happened and I am okay with where my life stands and where those situations sit.
Healing has a lot to do with your future. What you do not heal from reintroduces itself whenever it has the chance. Lessons are meant to be learned and blessing are meant to be accepted. Which is why I made the conscious decision to forgive myself, even though I had already forgiven the others. I made a conscious decision to accept and process what is a part of my reality. And I made a conscious decision to be okay with my life and what my past has helped mold me into.
Change will be my peace and I have realized that more and more each day. Changing things within myself because I cannot make anyone else change. What I will do is pray for many to become a part of the change, a change for a better life, for a better WE.
I am okay with being Diamond and experiencing the rough. I am okay with people not understanding the worth of a Diamond. I am okay with my spirit being attacked for the betterment of myself. And lastly, I am okay with being just okay, today.
Let the joy internally, show externally.
EXOTIC DOMINATION. 